A Little Driving Rant

At this point, I am, of course, aware that the drivers out there surrounding me are completely clueless, incapable of letting a text go unread for 50 nanoseconds, and all around, generally incompetent. I’m aware that you’re so absorbed with yourself that you actually think you deserve to drive 45 in the left lane of the freeway. I know your sense of entitlement has led you to think that you can make a right turn on a red light across three lanes of traffic if you just wait long enough (you can do, actually since the freaking light will turn green eventually. By then, though, everyone behind you will have died or will arrive at their meetings/baby deliveries/mothers’s deathbeds too late. Thanks a lot, you selfish git).

But here’s the thing: none of that is true. If you are driving 45 in the left lane of the freeway, what you actually deserve is to be bulldozed into a flaming scrap of melting cheap plastic in the median. Now, granted, we pretend to be a civilised society, so that’d probably be considered extreme, by some. At a minimum, you should clearly deserve to get a ticket. If there’s a merge lane on the street you want to turn on to, use it! Then move over to the lane you want to be in. If you think there’s not enough time or space to do it that way, you’re doing the turn wrong in the first place. And since I already know you’re absolutely unfamiliar with the Merge Lane, I’ve already written a handy guide for you. Now those people behind you wont miss their meetings, or children’s deliveries, and will get to talk to mother before she runs down the curtain and joins the choir invisible.

The actual rant I had in mind today though is actually related to people speeding on the freeway. Now, I’m all for your going faster so presumably you’ll get out of the way (*sigh* Yep, I’m an optimist). So if you’re speeding down the freeway, unless you’re acting like a Grade-A alpha hotel, I probably won’t mind. But when you slam on the brakes when you see a cop? Oh, then I mind. A lot. If you’re not willing to get a ticket for speeding, then drive the speed limit in the right lane where you belong! If you’re speeding, you know you already deserve the ticket (which is why you slam on the brakes anyway).

Guess what? Assuming the cop is paying attention to what he’s doing, when you slam on the brakes, he’s going to know you were speeding. He won’t need a radar gun, he won’t need to pace your speed. When you’re driving down the road, and you put the brakes on, the front of your car dips. It’s simple kinematics. (Though given the state of the education system in our country, you probably don’t understand anyway, so here’s a Wikipedia link. And since you probably can’t (won’t, whatever) read that while you’re driving, here’s a link to a YouTube video for you. Just promise me you’ll look up and out the windshield once or twice while you’re watching it).

Not only did you just cause a traffic jam behind you, since everyone else now has to put on his brakes, you transmitted your guilt to the cop by putting the brakes on. Feel like an idiot now? Of course you don’t, mommy told you you were special, and you’re entitled to a good self esteem, and a bunch of other lies when you were a child, so I understand if you don’t. However, the rest of us that know what we’re doing understand you are one.

We, the ever-shrinking group of actually competent people in our country, will continue to do what we always do: compensate for your stupidity and carry on. You won’t notice of course: you’re still watching YouTube as you crawl at a snail’s pace in the left lane.

Photo from wva.com

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