How to be American

1. Never Be Without Your Burger

Sort of speaks for itself.

2. Never Miss An Opportunity to Sue

It turns out the Entire Store was indeed more than 12.99. When I offered to buy the store — as an investment property — she wasn’t interested. I made vague threats about false advertising, and my attorney will do the rest… not forgetting to mention the anguish (both mental and otherwise), whiplash, deep embarrassment or any other thing I suffered that will eventually increase the settlement amount of my lawsuit.

3. Always Advertise with Sexual Innuendo

’nuff said.


Weekends will be spent worshipping the great god Consumerism — because everything you bought last weekend is now out of fashion and needs to be replaced. The Economy depends on it, after all; and saving is for losers.

Obligatory Legal Disclaimers/Fine Print (because “Murica”)
Author (hereinafter “I”, “we”) assumes no liability if reader (“you”) has little understanding of humorous concepts or tongue-in-cheek; or if you have undergone any medical procedures such as humorectomy or religious conversion to liberalism that precludes your enjoyment of levity and/or other humorous applications of observation. We also don’t care if you’re “triggered”, “offended”, or otherwise put out: grow up and learn what ‘freedom’ means. We would have wished you a nice day, but our lawyers suggested it wasn’t a good idea.

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